In social media, filters don’t only apply to photo editing. Most people choose to showcase only the good stuff on their social media accounts, leaving others feeling bad about themselves and their “boring” lives. Yes, we’ve been there, too.
And then comes Simon Hooper, also known as @father_of_daughters on Instagram. This one’s a no-nonsense dad, who shows the world what being an outnumbered father of four daughters is really like – a riot.
Hooper told HuffPost:
My whole account is to show a realistic view of what parenting is like from a parent’s perspective. There is way too much sugarcoating when it comes to parents, so I wanted to share what it’s really like and provide a bit of humor at the same time.
Aside from the funny photos, Hooper also crafts witty captions for his posts, and we can’t get enough of them! Things get especially funny when his wife (@mother_of_daughters on Instagram) is out of the house and he’s left alone with the kids. Get a dose of this dad’s humor below.
Never get into a drinking competition with a baby. Despite their size, they are actually perfectly adapted to drinking you, an adult, under the table with considerable easy – Here’s some basic drinking maths that will help explain the whole body to drink ratio so pay attention: I weigh 86kg. A baby weighs 10kg – I’m therefore 8.6 times their weight. In 5 minutes, I can drink (& I know this from my rugby days) about 3 pints. By that point, I’d be wearing my shirt as a bandana, staring at my phone closely through 1 eye, arguing about money I’m owed with a stranger and wouldn’t know my own mothers face. A baby can polish off a 10oz (300ml) bottle while maintaining all motor skills. Still with me? Ok, now multiple what they drink by 8.6 (the weight multipler) to get 2.58 litres or 4.54 pints. That means a baby is smashing off the equivalent of a pint a minute while you lie in your own dribble. They are professionals with hollow legs – just walk away to avoid embarrassment. #babyboatrace #fightingalosingbattle #educationwithFOD #drinkingmaths #lightweight #heavydrinker #FOD #fatherofdaughters #dadlife #instadad #parenting
When you become parents, you don’t notice it, but your house gradually takes on a new aroma. it’s only when guests come round, their faces contort & they ask whether you’d had a fish curry with a side of old ham for dinner, washed down with milk 2 weeks past its use by date, do you realise that you now live with the scent of ‘odour de baby ass’. That said, once and while you come across a natural disaster that makes your nose invert and die. I walked into the twins room today and found this offending article next to an open nappy bin. She smelt like a old pork chop found in a drain – upon removal, she seemed blissfully unaware that she was being lifted by her dungarees and carried on stripping the silcone off a bottle of old milk I’d not cleared up. #myhousesmellsofass #missionimpossibleimpression #porkchopinadrain #neverbedownwind #hazmatsuitrequired #FOD #fatherofdaughters #dadlife #instadad
They say that necessity is the mother of all invention. Well, with @mother_of_daughters away and an important rugby game on that I wanted to watch, it was a necessity to keep the twins from opening the kitchen units & playing “let’s see how much we can smash”. Of course, I had no child safety catches to hand but worry not – turns out i’m a genius. After rumaging in the shed, I threaded some christmas tree lights through all the handles. Now if they want to open one, they’ll have to open all of them simultaneously. Only 1 small flaw in my thinking in that no-one could access any of the contents so dinner was eaten off chopping boards. Best remove this before clemmie gets home & rips me a new one. #whendadsincharge #xmaslightsforthewin #interiordesignfail #kidsandcupboards #resourcefuldad #FOD #fatherofdaughters #dadlife #instadad
It seems I may be guilt of people smuggling. I didn’t lie when they asked ‘did you pack your our bags?’ I did. I was just unaware that a small person had also inserted a doll into my @tibaandmarl bag. I’ve shown her a great time here but the conversation has been non existent & she hogs all the bed sheets. To top it all, she hasn’t helped with any of my work and just constantly stares at me blankly, smiling like a maniac. Back home tomorrow and I’ve already been informed clemmie will be handing me the kids & leaving as soon as I arrive. Think she may be a little stressed…. #myillegaltravelcompanion #workingaway #miami #FOD #fatherofdaughters #dadlife #instadad
Being a parent is hard work at the best of times, but when you add in an #adultheadache that’s making my head feel heavier than the land mass of a small continental European country, it’s almost impossible. I invested a lot of time, effort & money in acquiring this hangover & yet the kids refused to let me wallow in it, Therefore this afternoon has involved lots of horizontal parenting & games that are played at ground level. Rolling things on the floor. Being a sick patient. Climbing frames. Playing ‘sleeping giants’. I spy etc. On the parenting winning scale, today i have scored a 3 & i am perfectly happy with that. Why on earth did we do shots last night? My hair even smells of sambuca. Uuurhhh. #weddinghangover #parentingmadeharder #imscoringa3 #lifeishardtoday #triedtoembraceitbutfailed #FOD #fatherofdaughters #dadlife #instadad
I’m pretty sure that baby led weaning was invented by a sleep deprived parent who was on baby number 2 or 3 and was sick & tired of mashing / blending food into a nondescript paste. They decided to leave their kids to fend for themselves while they drank a hot drink, stared at a wall & microslept. Over time, more shattered owners of small humans rebelled and rose up against their pint size oppressors & before you knew it, a whole new baby feeding movement had begun. Now parents everywhere have a legitimate reason for slacking off and saying proudly, while others look on in disbelief at the desimation on /around the table “its ok, were doing baby led weaning”. Brilliant. It just takes an extra 30 mins to clear up now. #imjoking #iknowitsalegimatetrainingmethodsodonthaveago #parenting #babyledweaning #FOD #fatherofdaughters #dinnertime #twins #dadlife #instadad
“Make sure they’ve eaten, are washed & brush their teeth, tidy their rooms, read & are in bed on time. Please don’t mess this up as I’m really tired and don’t want stress tomorrow” – these were the words clemmie uttered to me this evening as she vanished in a flash of metallic fabric, leather & gold jewelry as she pranced out the door to go & converse /be merry with other childless adults. My response – “Sure, now go have fun – I’ve got this”.
What have we actually accomplished – we ate, we got the twins down, then we pissed around in large boxes for 90 mins. I’m a dead man walking. #productiveevening #thinkinginsidethebox #deadmanwalking #parenting #boxingisnotaviolebtsport #FOD #fatherofdaughters #dadlife #instadad
I’m jealous of my kids. When I first swept clemmie off her feet (I.e. got her drunk and informed her she was now my girlfriend) I had her all to myself. I provided all the laughs , I got all the attention & was generally the centre of the universe – I was the equivalent of the first born – me me me and I loved it. Over time, that’s been eroded to the point we actually have to schedule time together over WhatsApp. I was originally worried that the older girls would struggle when the the twins arrived, but in actual fact it’s me that’s suffered (queue worlds smallest violin) My solution? Do like the cuckoo, pretend to be their child & hope the mother doesn’t notice and gives me the attention I crave. FYI it failed miserably. I’m back of the queue and get leftovers. Blub. Tag someone that would understand my plight #attentiongrabbingcuckooman #jealousofmykids #whataboutme #FOD #fatherofdaughters #dadlife #instadad
Got home from work this evening & like cockroaches when the lights go on, everyone scarpered in different directions leaving me to lock eyes with the twins. They are scaling everything at the moment & I needed the loo, so with no one else around to supervise, they had to join me (FYI i have to sit down to wee now as standing up involves blocking them with my legs to avoid a disaster – with 2, this is especially hard, it looks like I’m elvis). In “club L’toilette” I was treated to an evening of baby piano jazz with potatos & onions served direct from the veg rack as snacks. (Why its in the bathroom is a whole different story) The enclosed space of the toilet provided excellent acoustics for carrying the tuneless plinky plonky drivel directly to my ears and turning my mind to mush. Overall I give the experience a 2 out of 10 and won’t be coming back. #thisjazzclubisterrible #twins #sitdownwee #toomanypeople #rawpotatosnacks #FOD #fatherofdaughters #dadlife #instadad
It seems that no bin in our house is safe from the reaches of Ottie & Delilah. If our bathroom bin had a guest book & the twins had the dexterity/ manners to write, their message would read as followers: “top day out here. Access was initially difficult but after some persistence & good old team work we gained entry. The food available throughout our brief stay, which included toothpaste and moisturiser, was second to none. We especially enjoyed the remnants of mint shower gel that made us foam at the mouth – we assumed it was palate cleanser. The collection of tampons and differing types of hair was also most entertaining. Only negative was that Our stay was cut short abruptly by any angry bearded giant. We will be returning.”
No you won’t girls – I cellotaped the bin shut. #thisbinisnotaB&B #theborrowersstrikeagain #ifbinshadguestbooks #urbanfoxesinbabyform #bintwins #FOD #instadad #dadlife #fatherofdaughters
I consider myself a relatively modern man but I struggle to use the washing machine properly. I can restructure an organisation to be more efficient, untangle necklaces, build furniture, rewire small appliances & setup an HD TV without instructions, but I’m nervous about what drawer to put the different powders & liquids in & what setting to use as I know @mother_of_daughters will hang me out to dry if I ruin any of her or the other girls clothes. The thing I do know about washing machines is that the twins are drawn to them in the same way a drunk uncle is drawn to the dance floor at a wedding when any 80s tune is played. Let’s hope they don’t develop motion sickness or I’ll be immediately replacing clean clothes with vomit covered ones. #yesihavefoodonmytop #whyicantifigurethisout #washingmachineinducedvomit #badhousehusband #dadproblems #fatherofdaughters #dadlife #instadad
Another monday, another last minute rush to the shops to avoid the armageddon I.e running out of nappies, wipes & baby crack (milk) for the addicts. I basically live in this aisle of the supermarket now. New parents seem to gravitate to me as an “experienced parent” (i.e. the tired looking guy shivering in the corner) and ask “do you know where so and so is please?” My reponse – “Sure 3rd shelf, half way down on the left hand side, buy 3 & get a discount,although you want to use that in combination with blah blah blah.” I’m like a walking encyclopaedia of baby product info. I used to use my brain to solve global corporate wide problems. I now use it to calculate bulk buy discounts. #ishouldgetanamebadge #bogofking #iliveherenojoke #dadbrain #lifeinthefastlane #fatherofdaughters #dadlife #instadad
Clemmie’s out this evening so i was in charge of dinner and bedtime. The traditional picnic plate has been overdone recently (random things chucked on a plate and hoping the kids still find it fun and not see through my laziness) so I really switched it up a Gear and gave them pizza. Just to help service along, I cracked open the bottle of @hernogin i was given for xmas – no, im not despressed or unhappy, I’m just partial to a good gin, however I feel I may have not appreciated this award winning tipple fully though as I accompanied it with cold half chewed pizza i’d rescued from the floor using the international 3 second rule and some flat tonic that had been left open my Anya. And yes I’m drinking out of a childrens bottle. I didn’t put the dishwasher on this morning and now it’s all I can find. We reap what we sow I believe the saying goes. Happy Monday all #aginworthsavouring #dinnertime #couldhavetaughtthemaboutrefractio butdidnt #mondaydrinking #FOD #fatherofdaughters #dadlife #instadad
Cooking with the family is important so that they get an early interest in what healthy eating is all about. But when you add two 10 month work experience kitchen hands to the mix who have minimum training and hygiene standards that would get a greasy kebab placed closed down, Jamie Olivers 15 minutes meals turn into Simon hooper’s 90 minute botch jobs. In the end you just chuck it all in and hope for the best. The likelihood is that it will get rejected by the discerning clientele anyway. Might as well just short cut the whole process and chuck the raw food directly into the bin. #masterchefiaint #sausageandchipsitis #worstworkexperienceever #ottieatearawgarlicwhole #whydowebother #fatherofdaughters #dadlife #instadad
This morning we were treated to a private perfromance from some trainee illusionists, (I’m always sceptical of magic involving twins, seems suspicious & lazy, right?). After opening the performance with the regurgitation a plastic letter ‘A’ which she’d swallowed sometime earlier to much applause (& retching), Ottie’s next trick was to place her twin is the ‘cube of eternal darkness’ and make her disappear – the magic words were spoken and poof, like a crap David Blaine, the doors opened to reveal …….. a baby eating an unhealthy amount of packaging paper, accompanied by the strong smell of old broccoli. Well you can’t win they all. A for showmanship, F for execution. #magicalcirclemembersheaint #shitmagic #kidsandboxes #offtohogwartswithyou #magic #FOD #fatherofdaughter #instadad #dadlife
Sometimes as a #fatherofdaughters you have to put your testosterone to one side, give in and let girls be girls. So what do you get if you cross bored girls who love makeovers / playing with out of date make up they retrieve from @mother_of_daughters bin & a tired dad who’ll say yes to anything to make them happy / quieter? I introduce you to my drag queen half brother, Simone. You can find him performing cabaret in soho every Thursday. Of course, they then thought it was hilarious to hide the make up remover – Oh, how I laughed. When clemmie saw me, she just shook her head and walked off….. #reallybringsoutmyeyes #whyblueeyebrows #anythingformygirls #snogmarryavoid? #privateshowswillcostyou #FOD #dadlife #instadad
The cornerstone of any dad’s role is the old horse / pig ride but I’m starting to feel more like a mid sized family car with all 4 my girls aboard. Without me really realising, these rides have evolved from what was a cheap fair ground attraction to entertain kids into an in-house Uber service for children who’s legs no longer seem to work from lack of use. They’ve also taken to now simply calling me ‘pig’ and steer me by the twisting of my ears. on top of that, I have to point out imaginary land marks as we go from room to room and if the guided tour isn’t up to scratch, someone will inevitably try and pull my trousers down while I’m in this vulnerable position – usually it’ll be @mother_of_daughters. Am I being bullied? I’m genuinely not sure #the4thatbrokethecamelsback #aremygirlsbullyingme #inhouseuber #luckyivegotagoodass #fatherofdaughters #FOD #instadad #dadlife
Back in the days before I fathered 4 girls who all look like me, I used to just take my feet & legs for granted. I’d use them for getting around on, kicking things / people that annoyed me, shooing away unfamiliar dogs & other general standard issue foot stuff. When you have kids, especially multiples, it dawns on you that they are, in fact, useful for a whole host of other jobs, namely: traffic control – Diverting little people into desired directions. You can also encourage them with a gentle boot / push (works well on wooden floors, like curling but with little humans), shutting doors & cupboards when carrying children, crufts style obstacle courses, picking up Muslins and other clothing & annoying my wife with my pointy toes. Have I missed any? #iveevolvedbackwards #feetlikehands #youmoreskilledthanyouthink #FOD #fatherofdaughters #dadlife #instadad
I have a weird aversion to riding animals but I got over it today & I took the girls on what is Morocco’s version of donkeys on the beach. All was going well until we got a proper trot on when Anya, who weighs about as much as an over inflated helium balloon, was violently bounced up & down and shrieked like someone on a roller coast for the first time – the guy was still WALKING next to us – Proper thrill seekers. Ottie & delilah got their camel fix too – like metal dectectors on the beach, they trawled the sand to find nuggets of gold (dried camel poo) which they promptly popped in their mouths, resulting in us chasing them around to scoop off their joyful smug little faces. Delightful. #beach snacks #theirbreathstank #imtalkingaboutthebabies #camelsjockeysintraining #lifeintheveryslowlane #FOD #fatherofdaughters #dadlife #instadad
Like most parents, we’re making it up as we go along, but there are those rare moments of beauty when everything aligns & you think: “man, I got this parenting thing figured out – I’m smashin’ it out the park!” A prime example would be when the girls put the twins to bed, leaving me to doss around taking smug pictures like this. Then of course, you immediately plummet down to reality as a twin stares at you in the eyes, shudders like a boiling kettle, turns red & finally, like a spaceX rocket, fires all boosters for liftoff. She didn’t get into orbit but, sure enough she’d shit from her toes to her neck, the elder 2 vanish like a fart in a tornado and I’m suddenly left holding a baby in a sleeping bag of crap like a human beef burrito. Win to fail in the time it takes to cough. Wonderful. #thehumanbeefburrito #smuggedtooearly #iknewwehad4forareason #awhiffofanappychangeandtheyregone #sisters #twins #girls #parentingwin #FOD #dadlife #instadad #fatherofdaughters3
Someone call crime watch! I took this picture of a guy getting mugged in broad day light today. The 2 confidence tricksters are known in the local area and ply their trade by pretending to love their victims and then, when their guard is down, scratching their faces to pieces, pulling their hair and dribbling on them until they are given milk or rice cakes. The suspects are described as looking exactly the same, to the degree that their father cant tell them apart. They are around 2.5 ft tall, talk with a strange accent and are incredibly cute. Some previous victims had said they smell like a childrens play centre toilets but that has yet to be confirmed. #muggedbybabies #twins #parentinginjuries #thelmaandlouiseinthemaking #callcrimewatch #fatherofdaughters #dadlife #instadad
Why does bathtime always involve cramming as many family members into one of the smallest rooms in the house at the same time? I guess the eldest 2 like it as it’s like a cheap version of the sea life centre. They get to watch these weird pink slippery things splash about and generally contort themselves out of these chairs while sucking the life out of some sponges. Clemmie and I are there just play life guards and crowd control. I should charge admission. Just avoid the dirty nappies at the door and the water EVERYWHERE. Actually, forget it – Health and safety would definitely shut us done. #waterstaysinthebathgirls #bathtime #sealifecentreathome #cheapentertainment #twins #mygirls #theyneverstayinthesechairs #fatherofdaughters #dadlife #instadad
Despite their best efforts, Ottie and Delilah failed miserably in stowing away in my case. Even for them, this was a poor effort and was never going to work. Dont take up smuggling girls – youd definitely be a feature of one of those awful airport customs TV shows. As a last ditch attempt to stop me going to the Philippines to work for a week, they gummed the crap out of my passport and air miles cards but with little effect. Ive learnt my lesson and double checked that I had infact packed clean underwear and not a 4 pack of muslins like last time (that was an awkward couple of days in New York). Shout out to my wonderful wife @mother_of_daughters for doing this coming week solo. I love you. Think positive and be patient. You’ll smash it. #dontbecomesmugglers #ifidontcomehomewithpresentsimdead #twins #mygirls #businesstravel #workingaway #fatherofdaughters #dadlife #instadad
Today’s family strategy / calendar coordination meeting was going swimmingly. We’d nailed most of October (note that all of my social events had been vetoed by the other board members) but one of the interns kept chiming in with rude and unhelpful comments. I tried to lay down the law and express to her that she was being obstructive to the progress of the meeting. I recieved a raspberry in response followed quickly by a filled nappy – The meeting was adjourned. Guess I’ll just read the calendar to find out what I’m doing for the next couple of weeks as per usual. #ihavenocontrolovermylife #shellnevermakeitpasttheprobationperiod #familycalendar #stokkeadventures #familymeeting #interns #twins #fatherofdaughters #dadlife #instadad
Tomorrow is international day of the girl and I, more than most, am celebrating. I might be heavily outnumbered and outgunned, but I’m celebrating because my girls are strong independent young ladies that are growing up in a world that they can do anything they put their mind to (with a little encouragement). We strive for equality and see women as equals (and in my case, as superiors!). That said, in many places girls are seen as second class citizens and have limited opportunities to reach their full potential. This has to change. Go kiss your girls goodnight & encourage them everyday to reach for the stars. Tag a strong girl and share. #mygirlswearthetrousers #daughters #dayofthegirl #girlsareequals #girlsarestrong #sisters #mygirls #girlsareamazing #beproudofyoudaughters #fatherofdaughters #instadad #dadlife
Why is it that as soon as I come through the front door, I’m immediately forced to strap on my ‘parenting UN’ flack jacket & hard hat and dive into conflict resolution mode? Anya and Marnie are locked in a long, drawn out battle over the disputed lands of the sofa, the sovereignty of the blanket and who has rightful ownership of the much sort after SKY remote control. Sanctions are put in place to relieve the tension but both sides are showing little willingness to back down. The situation escalates – heated worded, threats to hostages safety (soft toys, clothing, sweets). The result – the TV going off and remote is hidden (in the cutlery draw). During all this Ottie played the role of Switzerland and didn’t get involved. Ban Ki-moon could learn a thing or two from me.
#wheredoyouhideyourremote #UNparenting #whyamialwaysinthemiddle #familyconflictresolution #adadsworkisneverdone #fatherofdaughters #dadlife #instadad
We have A LOT of toys for the girls. Some hand-me-downs, some brand new. We offer up the hand made, ethically sourced, non toxic, bespoke blocks made from organic, carbon offset wood, lovingly sourced from Norway. They look down their nose at them with disgust, decide they’re tosh and toss them to one side. Then they go on a rampage to find keys, my wallet, my phone, anything that resembles a remote control and plastic packaging. If that fails, they bug me until i give up the goods. Many mornings, you’ll find me running around the house, quietly cursing the babies, who’ve hidden my cash / debit card and /or keys. guess I should get used to this as I hear teenage girls take the same stuff. #stophidingmyshit #pointlessexpensivetoys #allthebabieswantismywallet #girlstakemystuff #ishouldgetusedtoit #fatherofdaughters#dadlife #instadad
Should I get offended that when I’m in charge of dressing the girls, instead of being given free rein to ‘get creative’ and use my couture fashion eye to create a ‘wow’ outfit that will catch the eye and imagination, I walk into their room and find that all the clothes are laid out already. Granted I have a tendency to dress them as boys, and will invariably forget the importance of layers, and that spots and strips clash, and that socks are essential, and that a baby grow doesn’t count as day wear, and that I dress them the same, i cant tell them apart for the rest if the day, but surely if you give me a chance, the law of averages will mean I’ll get it right one day! #daddressing #twins #dontdressthemthesame #theylovechewingshoes #icandressachild #badly #fatherofdaughters #dadlife #instadad
Is it only me or do all men learn to sleep on an 8 inch strip at the edge of the bed? Irrespective of the size of the bed, or how many people are in it, I always find myself relegated to the ‘man zone’. I’ve become so used to sleeping on this limited area of bed real estate, that I’m confident that I could sleep on top of a wall & not fall off. On the other side of the bed (the promised land), @mother_of_daughters sleeps like a star fish all night long, kneeing me in the back and generally complains about me coming to bed too late, being too cold or my foot encroaching onto her territory. At least the bed’s nice and warm, even if the reception isn’t sometimes! I hope that next Sunday, on #NationalLieInDay, I’ll not only gain another hour in bed, but more space – but it’s doubtful ! If you want to regain that hour (and some space for that matter) click in the link in my bio, loads of great prizes to be won @SimbaSleep #bedrealestate #livingontheedge #girls #twins #daughters #therestoomanygirls #fatherofdaughters #dadlife #instadad #gopro
Today I learnt a hell of a lot about nappies while at the @pampersus R&D facility in Germany. Did you know that in 5 years nappies will be self tightening like those Nike shoes in back to the future and have little LED read outs? Also they can hold a pint of liquid without creating a huge Bulge like an old man’s crotch region? No? Well, I just made all that up, but the work that goes into keeping our little ones dry is pretty amazing. Think about it the next time you’re changing a nappy and don’t take it for granted. 10,000 people contributed to reducing your stress levels when dealing with a poo-nami. Cheers science people. #todayilearntaboutnappies #germansknowhowtododesign #theytesteverything #pampers #strangeworkday #fatherofdaughters #instadad #ad #dadlife
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Hilarious Webcomic Shows What Life Would Be Like If Your Boss Were A Cat
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