Divorce is messy and painful. It takes you on a rollercoaster ride of emotions often filled with resentment and regret from a love that’s been lost, or for a love that wasn’t even there to begin with.
And that is never easy. But when two people who promised to spend a lifetime together separate, they don’t just end their marriage—they end years upon years of friendship, promises, and dreams. They end bitter-sweet memories of what used to be and leave nothing but questions of where, why, and how something that was once so beautiful and true could go terribly wrong.
Neither marriage nor divorce comes with an instruction manual, so when Gerard Rogers lost the love of his life through divorce, he wished he could have done these things to save his marriage:
Obviously, I’m not a relationship expert. But there’s something about my divorce being finalized this week that gives me perspective of things I wish I would have done different: After losing a woman that I loved, and a marriage of almost 16 years, here’s the advice I wish I would have had…
– Gerald Rogers
#1. Never stop courting. Never stop dating.
NEVER EVER take that woman for granted. When you asked her to marry you, you promised to be that man that would OWN HER HEART and to fiercely protect it. This is the most important and sacred treasure you will ever be entrusted with. SHE CHOSE YOU. Never forget that, and NEVER GET LAZY in your love.
#2. Protect your own heart.
Just as you committed to being the protector of her heart, you must guard your own with the same vigilance. Love yourself fully, love the world openly, but there is a special place in your heart where no one must enter except for your wife. Keep that space always ready to receive her and invite her in, and refuse to let anyone or anything else enter there.
#3. Fall in love over and over and over again.
You will constantly change. You’re not the same people you were when you got married, and in five years you will not be the same person you are today. Change will come, and in that you have to re-choose each other everyday. SHE DOESN’T HAVE TO STAY WITH YOU, and if you don’t take care of her heart, she may give that heart to someone else or seal you out completely, and you may never be able to get it back. Always fight to win her love just as you did when you were courting her.
#4. Always see the best in her.
Focus only on what you love. What you focus on will expand. If you focus on what bugs you, all you will see is reasons to be bugged. If you focus on what you love, you can’t help but be consumed by love. Focus to the point where you can no longer see anything but love, and you know without a doubt that you are the luckiest man on earth to be have this woman as your wife.
#5. It’s not your job to change or fix her.
Your job is to love her as she is with no expectation of her ever changing. And if she changes, love what she becomes, whether it’s what you wanted or not.
#6. Take full accountability.
Take full accountability for your own emotions. It’s not your wife’s job to make you happy, and she CAN’T make you sad. You are responsible for finding your own happiness, and through that your joy will spill over into your relationship and your love.
#7. Never blame her if you get angry.
NEVER BLAME your wife If YOU get frustrated or angry at her, it is only because it is triggering something inside of YOU. They are YOUR emotions, and your responsibility. When you feel those feelings take time to get present and to look within and understand what it is inside of YOU that is asking to be healed. You were attracted to this woman because she was the person best suited to trigger all of your childhood wounds in the most painful way so that you could heal them: when you heal yourself, you will no longer be triggered by her, and you will wonder why you ever were.
#8. Allow your woman to just be.
When she’s sad or upset, it’s not your job to fix it, it’s your job to HOLD HER and let her know it’s ok. Let her know that you hear her, and that she’s important and that you are that pillar on which she can always lean. The feminine spirit is about change and emotion and like a storm her emotions will roll in and out, and as you remain strong and unjudging she will trust you and open her soul to you: DON’T RUN-AWAY WHEN SHE’S UPSET. Stand present and strong and let her know you aren’t going anywhere. Listen to what she is really saying behind the words and emotion.
#9. Be silly.
Don’t take yourself so damn seriously. Laugh. And make her laugh. Laughter makes everything else easier.
#10. Fill her soul everyday.
Learn her love languages and the specific ways that she feels important and validated and CHERISHED. Ask her to create a list of 10 THINGS that make her feel loved and memorize those things and make it a priority everyday to make her feel like a queen.
#11. Be present.
Give her not only your time, but your focus, your attention and your soul. Do whatever it takes to clear your head so that when you are with her you are fully WITH HER. Treat her as you would your most valuable client. She is.
#12. Don’t be an idiot.
Don’t be an idiot and don’t be afraid of being one either. You will make mistakes and so will she. Try not to make too big of mistakes, and learn from the ones you do make. You’re not supposed to be perfect, just try to not be too stupid.
#13. Be willing to take her sexually.
To carry her away in the power of your masculine presence, to consume her and devour her with your strength, and to penetrate her to the deepest levels of her soul. Let her melt into her feminine softness as she knows she can trust you fully.
#14. Give her space.
The woman is so good at giving and giving, and sometimes she will need to be reminded to take time to nurture herself. Sometimes she will need to fly from your branches to go and find what feeds her soul, and if you give her that space she will come back with new songs to sing:. (okay, getting a little too poetic here, but you get the point. Tell her to take time for herself, ESPECIALLY after you have kids. She needs that space to renew and get re-centered, and to find herself after she gets lost in serving you, the kids and the world.)
#15. Be vulnerable.
You don’t have to have it all together. Be willing to share your fears and feelings, and quick to acknowledge your mistakes.
#16. Be fully transparent.
If you want to have trust you must be willing to share EVERYTHING: Especially those things you don’t want to share. It takes courage to fully love, to fully open your heart and let her in when you don’t know i she will like what she finds… Part of that courage is allowing her to love you completely, your darkness as well as your light. DROP THE MASK: If you feel like you need to wear a mask around her, and show up perfect all the time, you will never experience the full dimension of what love can be.
#17. Never stop growing together.
The stagnant pond breeds malaria, the flowing stream is always fresh and cool. Atrophy is the natural process when you stop working a muscle, just as it is if you stop working on your relationship. Find common goals, dreams and visions to work towards.
#18. Don’t worry about money.
Money is a game, find ways to work together as a team to win it. It never helps when teammates fight. Figure out ways to leverage both persons strength to win.
#19. Forgive immediately.
Forgive immediately and focus on the future rather than carrying weight from the past. Don’t let your history hold you hostage. Holding onto past mistakes that either you or she makes, is like a heavy anchor to your marriage and will hold you back. FORGIVENESS IS FREEDOM. Cut the anchor loose and always choose love.
#20. Always choose love. Always choose love…
In the end, this is the only advice you need. If this is the guiding principle through which all your choices is governed, there is nothing that will threaten the happiness of your marriage. Love will always endure.
In the end MARRIAGE isn’t about Happily ever after. It’s about work. And a commitment to grow together and a willingness to continually invest in creating something that can endure eternity. Through that work, the happiness will come.
Marriage is life, and it will bring ups and downs. Embracing all of the cycles and learning to learn from and love each experience will bring the strength and perspective to keep building, one brick at a time.
These are lessons I learned the hard way. These are lessons I learned too late.
But these are lessons I am learning and committed in carrying forward. Truth is, I LOVED being married, and in time, I will get married again, and when I do, I will build it with a foundation that will endure any storm and any amount of time.
If you are reading this and find wisdom in my pain, share it those those young husbands whose hearts are still full of hope, and with those couples you may know who may have forgotten how to love. One of those men may be like I was, and in these hard earned lessons perhaps something will awaken in him and he will learn to be the man his lady has been waiting for.
The woman that told him ‘I do’, and trusted her life with him, has been waiting for this man to step up.
Be the type of husband your wife can’t help but brag about.
If you are reading this and your marriage isn’t what you want it to be, take 100% responsibility for YOUR PART in marriage, regardless of where your spouse is at, and commit to applying these lessons while there is time.
MEN- THIS IS YOUR CHARGE: Commit to being an EPIC LOVER. There is no greater challenge, and no greater prize. Your woman deserves that from you.
10 Marriage Tips From A Woman’s Perspective, A Beautiful Response To Divorced Man’s Advice
Let’s take a look into the vantage point of marriage from a woman’s perspective.
A while back, we shared an interesting article that ultimately went viral, the 20 Epic Marriage Advice from a divorced man. Everyone expressed their different opinions. Most people admire him because it takes guts to stand up and be transparent about your failures. It’s equally as commendable to stand up and say how you’d do things differently. But some people aren’t happy, they think the article is biased and must’ve been written by a disgruntled woman.
Then we received an email from a woman who claimed she has triumphed the murky waters of divorce. She said, the divorced man’s advice are quite nice. But one thing that his post is lacking, however, is the female perspective. And with that, she offered her own version of his wise marriage tips.
#1. Respect your husband.
10 Habits Of Happy Couples, According To A Psychiatrist
These simple habits will certainly make your relationship even better starting today.
What does it take to be happy in a relationship? The real answer can differ from one couple to another. Building a strong and positive relationship certainly takes effort and time on both parties and it doesn’t just happen overnight. In order to have a successful relationship that keeps growing stronger each day, you have to put in a lot of effort and work.
Dr. Mark Goulston is a psychiatrist, international speaker, and best selling author of numerous best-selling books. He is known to be the author of the famous 10 Habits of Happy Couples – a book that has been read by over half a million people. Regardless of the state of your relationship, Dr. Goulston provides some interesting insight on the 10 habits that will allow you and your loved one to keep the magic going.
#1. Go to bed at the same time.
Cheating Husband Wants a Divorce But the Heartbroken Wife Has One Last Request
When a cheating husband asked for a divorce, his wife thought of giving him a valuable lesson.
Throwing away years of marriage seems easy for couples these days. Divorce has become so common that even the most compatible couples like Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes, Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner, Marc Anthony and Jennifer Lopez, even Chris Pratt and Anna Faris have chosen to live their lives apart.
Hearing stories of couples separating can be quite depressing as years of love and companionship all go down the drain as if love never existed. When a partner cheats and there is no room for forgiveness, the relationship usually ends in a really nasty way. As a result, the couple as well as the children suffer and sustain lifelong pain and emotional scars.
A particular story of a cheating husband who wanted to divorce his wife made rounds online because of the wife’s surprising but brilliant response. As strange as it may seem, the wife didn’t get mad. Instead, she made a peculiar request to her husband before signing the divorce papers....
Husband Reveals Secret Why His Wife Remains Pretty After 10 Years Of Marriage
Husband reveals the secret of his attractive wife to his envious classmates.
The high school reunion is one of the most awaited events after graduation. It’s the time for former classmates to reunite and share their successes in life. For Billy and Kevin, it’s the time to share how their lives went after they went their separate ways.
Kevin and Billy were good friends during their high school time. Both men had been married for ten years. Because they lived separate lives and had been busy with their careers, they lost contact. When they learned about the reunion, they decided to attend the party. They also brought their wives along.
During the party, everyone, including Kevin, was surprised when Billy brought his wife....
Old Man Recounts How A “Missed Connection” Changed His Life 45 years Ago
“When I reached the stools, you were gone. No phone number. No note. Nothing… I was devastated. I went back every day for a year, but I never saw you again.”
Each person we meet in our lives has a purpose to fulfill. They may love us or hurt us, but in the end, what matters most is that we learn from them. We take those experiences as lessons that can help us get through life.
Some people stay with us for years while some leave as quickly as they arrived. We may not immediately understand the reason why, but in time, God will enlighten our minds and tell us why some events, no matter how painful or regretful, has to happen.
This man’s post on Craiglist’s “Missed Connections” is a perfect example of why we meet the people we meet at a particular time. He is a man from Boston, Massachusetts who had a brief encounter with a woman on New Year’s Eve in 1972. After 43 years, he gave her this message:...